Joes is corpo, its menu is corpo, its service is corpo, its patrons are corpo.

Had there not been a wonderful view of both Harbour and Skyline I likely would have resorted to off color comments loud enough for those next to us, to whom they would be directed, to over hear. I suppose it is easy when you are part of a corporate office to get roped into or comfortable with hitting the same menu every night. You don’t even have to look at it (and we didn’t), we just ordered.

‘We will have the calamari.” – didn’t look at the menu.

Could have gone to CPK, TGIF, Applebees, Cheesecake Factory, Ruby Tuesdays…. you get the drift. This is why we don’t like chains. The idea to me, that someone has a favorite chain restaurant, is as both uninteresting as it is foolish.

That said, Joes did a nice job in procuring the location, and with that no one can argue. I would never go here in the winter, that’s what the Chart House is for in this neck of the woods! But for a nice summer evening, with light drinks and good company it was well suited.

ckdex is right about the vodkas – see his post –

It’s difficult to rank a drink like vodka mixed with bubbly water. If it’s weak, it’s okay. If it’s too strong, quite frankly it’s okay too. Using this complicated and sophisticated system of mixological classification, Joe’s makes an okay vodka soda.

Overall the experience was fine, I think as long as you can offer decent service and non-poisoned food on a deck with a view, you are going to do alright.

And whats with the no bourbon by ckdex, this still has me perplexed. Perhaps he has never partaken in the Bourbon Slush?!

So on the event of our dear friend Brian’s 33rd birthday, we decided to dine and drink at one of the better options on the waterfront: Joe’s American Bar and Grill. As mentioned earlier, the waterfront has undergone somewhat of a transformation in recent years. Many thanks go to the likes of Michael Dukakis, Edward Kennedy, Joe Moakley and Tip O’Neil who secured enough federal funds to literally remake the entire waterfront of a city by replacing a highway-in-the-sky with grassy vistas and a renewal of interest in what was once the lifeblood of this ancient town: Boston Harbor.

Together we shared a few vodka sodas (bourbon is off limits for the summer months) a plate of really delicious calamari and a rather lackluster grilled cheese sandwich surreptitiously ordered from the kid’s menu. It’s difficult to rank a drink like vodka mixed with bubbly water. If it’s weak, it’s okay. If it’s too strong, quite frankly it’s okay too. Using this complicated and sophisticated system of mixological classification, Joe’s makes an okay vodka soda. Joe’s menu is pretty standard for this type of place, but it’s actually a nice, airy spot whether you sit inside or out. The only blatant omissions to the restaurant’s total acceptability would the the lack of outdoor heaters and the ridiculously cold bathrooms. Seriously, check it out — they’re wicked cold.

All in all, a good spot on the water for friends, family, and events with business associates. We just wish Brian were here.

Always looking for new cool spots, we plan to head there too! That way, when they close up shop we can sit around other bars and talk about those nights at PUMA City when things were good — while everyone else just wishes they could.

They have a facebook page here: http://www.facebook.com/pumacity

This thing is gonna be sick, I want to buy land and build my house out of this shit!

Clink | break the glass if you can

OK, this bar is fucking awful. I feel like stopping there but will push on give you reasons.

• It is in the lobby of The Lyberty Hotel – hotel bars need not be in the lobby
• the fantastic architecture is wasted on the people who must attend this bar regularly
• drink consistency seems to not be high on the priority list
• drink price seems to be arbitrary depending on the bartender

This former prison is gorgeous, I could, if I had the means, live in this hotel and be very happy, except that, the people who roam the halls of my now home, would make me want to pull my hair out, pull their hair out or throw them off the Atrium balcony, falling perfectly into the escalator cavern and sliding down and out the non-automatic front doors. CSI-Boston would show up, evaluate the situation, take measurements, interview all the witnesses and eventually knock on my door. I would explain to them how horrible these people are, how self-obsessed, assuming and entitled they act. I would show exhibits, right there in the hall, calling out neighbors from their rooms, asking questions and letting their answers stand as evidence. CSI Boston would hear my case, having listened intently, having dealt with these people in their own lives and despising them as well and say ‘clearly this was a case of slip and fall.’

Luckily I am not a person of those means.

On the bright side of this experience was the obvious hiring practice which made it easy to sit and quietly judge my fellow bar attendees. The people who work here are easy on the eyes. Not beauties, but rather the type of women and men you want to have follow you into the absolutely beautiful bathroom, push up against the back wall of a stall turn them around, pull up the skirt and rail. This, mind you, happens every night in my mind, but not to me, as I need not pursue this avenue anymore having the most wonderful wife in the world (did she hear that? good.)

As one Manhattan turned into two, and with no cocktail waitress to hail, I took one for the team and approached the unnatural blond wearing a T-shirt as a skirt, to order another. Manhattan, rocks, perfect. Turns out when I said perfect, what must have come out my mouth or at least into her head (how long it rattled I’ve no idea) was sweet. That aside, I drank it, of course, and ended up paying 6 bucks less for this round than ckdex did for our first, a fact I naturally attributed to my stunning good looks (an attribute few others would allow me say aloud without rebut).

|Clink: D+|

Drink | save the glass, drink the kool-aid

I don’t like Barbra Lynch. I have no real reasons as to why. I only met her a handful of times, back in the bartending days I served her a handful more. I don’t like her attitude, her mannerisms and I don’t like this little empire of restaurants she has in Boston.

What I cannot deny her, what I have to offer her as a compliment, is that she absolutely gets it. Drink is a coup for the alcoholic. The decor is warm and sensational, the bartenders are throw backs to an era when drinks weren’t just a mechanism for a feeling but instead a product you paid for, enjoyed and relished. The lighting was absolutely perfect, the bars appeared to be hand crafted or at least selected. But all of this is unimportant if the one reason we go to bats isn’t met.

If you arrive at DRINK and expect to get your cocktail in 30 seconds or less, turn around and walk out. I was reminded as I sat on my bar stool and watched by partially tattoo’d barkeep crush, stir, measure, wait, chill and generally put more time into my drink than even I would, that drinks should be waited for.

Like many things in our lives today faster seems to be better, cheap seems better than well made, now seems better than later. This may be true for information, emails, internet service. It’s not true of things like sex, cigars, wine, friendship and…drinks. Taking your time with drink preparation is as important to how the drink looks, feels and smells as is marinating a piece of meat. Some of these things can be done before hand, before I walk in to the bar, before I realize at 2 in the afternoon that I want a drink at 8. But some of these items, part of this process has to wait for me to walk in and place the order. I need to initiate these actions by asking for them DRINK responds in kind.

The people were lacking, the yabo’s that work in FortPoint and the financial district have no good reason to treat service industry employees the way they do. And as an FYI to those who go to DRINK and order a beer… go back to the frat house or grow a set.

In short, the Manhattan was perfect, it rivals Marliave. A dual?!?

|DRINK: A|

The Marliave is one of the oldest continuously operating restaurants in Boston. For over 120 years it has seen multiple generations, a conservative city turn liberal, Brahmins give way to the rest of us, and a multitude of other changes, big and small. 2009 brings her most recent overhaul – one any visitor or local Bostonian should experience.

The Marliave in the last years of the 19th century was a new experiment; the dream of a young French émigré at a time when Downtown Crossing was a-bustle with horse-drawn fruit vendors and new shops built to meet the needs of a 20th century metropolitan clientele. The first decades brought a great war and returning men suffering from dreams of mustard gas and Richtoven’s dives. The 20’s saw prohibition; the 30’s depression; the 40’s war and spillover from Scollay Square. Thomas Crown – the fictitious Boston millionaire seeking adventure outside a boring career – wined and dined sexy adversaries here.

But like the shadow-of-itself Anthony’s Pier 4 on the waterfront, in latter years Marliave fell into relative disrepair, feeding those who stumbled upon her floor in an environment better suited for closure than entertainment. Alas after some, ahem, issues management has done something about it, and has reopened a much better place.

The food is delicious, the drinks are amazing and the environment borrows from history in an elegant, classy way – rather than relying upon history to keep things just going. Their Manhattan is the best I’ve ever had (they make their own maraschino cherries) and the service is spectacular.

This place has much room to grow – and it will once the biggest building to ever occupy the Littlest Bar is done construction next door. That said, Marliave is great and truly, truly sets the bar.

| Marliave : A |

Listen – I was delinquent in this post, I admit it. And given my partners eloquence and ability to wrangle pertinent history and such into his posts I suddenly realized my calling. I was trying to be polite, but I cease giving a shit.

Cafe Marliave is awesome. The floors are a white and black french bistro tile, which matches what I have at home, so they are lucky when I sit down I don’t take a dump on the floor. The wine list is awesome, varied and priced for all points of purchase. They have a nice selection of french, which one would hope for, but also mingle in some nice South Africans and US wines for flavor. This is important because the idea that delicious fatty, cheesy, fatty, fried, marinated, fatty foods need a high acid french dry wine to accompany them is just absurd. I like pinot noir with my steaks, I like Viognier’s with my brie. You got a problem with that? don’t come to my house for dinner.

I have actually never seen the upstairs dining room, I never get past the bar. But this summer I will definately be checking out the roof top, which boasts open air and a downtown location. The bathroom is great. Large and spacious and perfect for slugging a few down and breaking out a fat rail on the window sill. And it is single use, no need to hide your efforts behind a fake cough or some shoe rubber screeching.

Second to none is the staff. This place optimizes the ability of a bartender to make a drink, the right way, the first time, every time. The manhattan here was absolutely perfect, in everyway. It was balanced, perfect and they cure their own cherries which is so god damn refreshing. I don’t know when every bar manager in the world decided Maraschino cherries were worth spending a fucking penny on, but it remains a bad choice.

All in all, this is by far one my top 5 restaurants/bars in the Hub.

|Marliave: A|

The Joshua Tree is a great place to hang out with friends, have a few pints, and watch a game on any one of the dozens of flat panel tv sets hung on the exposed brick walls. There are oodles of young people doing the same, so you’ll never feel terribly alone and the odds are pretty good you’ll have a decent time here any night of the week.

Much like a handful of other ‘sister bars’ in the area including the Boston Beer Garden in Southie, Tavern in the Square in Central and a handful of other spots, there is a formula deployed here that works. Big bar, lots of TVs, plenty of booze and easy bar grub, a certain kind of music and just the right balance of lighting. If you’re looking for a unique experience, go elsewhere. If you’re looking for a clean and satisfying bar that doesn’t smack of corporate hospitality a la Friday’s this is your spot.

Bonus points for the fancy hand dryers in the bath.

| Joshua Tree : B+ |

Gargoyles on the Square – 219 Elm St, Somerville, MA (Davis Square)

Gargoyles on the Square is so good I went back two nights in a row. The atmosphere on a Thursday night is comfortable and relaxed and the rocking chairs are an interesting and welcoming touch. On a Friday night, unfortunately, the rocking chairs are stashed away and the hostess asks you if you have a reservation when you arrive. The good news for us is that while we didn’t, seating was not an issue. The bad news for the proprietor was that no one needed a reservation – the main dining room was well under occupancy.

I have to admit here that ever since getting toasted Italian subs at Concord’s New London Pizza shop – the best place on earth to get that heavenly concoction – I’ve always been on the lookout for anything Italian sandwich-related. So it was with great excitement that I saw on Gargoyle’s clever and adventurous appetizer titled simply “Italian Sub Fries”. If you picture nachos made with hand-cut waffle fries and topped with all that goes into the sub itself: proscuitto, salami, pepperoni, onion, tomato, pickles and provolone you have the right image in your head. In a word: devine.

| Gargoyle’s : A- |

We like to pregame a little, so by the time we got to the square the need to relieve ourselves was in full effect so we headed into the Joshua Tree for relief and then, well, relief.

The bar was packed and the back dining room as well, with some slalom moves we moved through the room and found ourselves descending the staircase to the basement head. The bathroom was average with one glaring exception ‘the excelerator’ hand blower. From wet to dry in a flash and with super sonic sound effects.

Returning to the bar we opted to pay for our head trip by having a pint. The tree’s brew selection is above average, with the option of one my my favorites, the Black Magic (Guinness on #9). They offer the usual Boston selection of Sam Adams, Harpoon and some other micro brews. The liquor selection was, meh, nothing of note.

Gargoyles | A

Easily what would be my neighborhood haunt if I lived in Davis. The outside is unassuming, and you can’t see how large the place is from the windows. I was looking forward to sitting down and enjoying a nice glass of scotch in a place with low lights, cool music and people to watch that weren’t in diapers drinking from their bottles. Though the hostess was clearly a college girl, I took no issue.

We couldn’t saddle up to the bar, cause it was full. Annoying and a decent indicator all at once. But the bald silver bearded bartender was attentive, offered perfect drinks and was quick. We retired to our rocking chairs (yes) and sipped our scotch, yum. Shortly after, a couple spots opened up at the bar and we moved to really get the feel. We perused menus.

So, the Manhattan, 9 out of 10. perfectly blended, so much so the normal maraschino cherry was out of place. Nice glassware too.

We were hungry and ordered “Italian Sub Fries”. uhhhhh, yes please. Hand cut fries topped with what looked to be an Italian sub opened up and flipped over onto the fries themselves. It was superb, tasty and quickly gone.

Gargoyles is a big winner in my book and I will certainly be going back, especially since my cohort is moving into the hood.

Boston’s Top of the Hub seemed like a perfect start to our themed, periodic pub-crawl through the streets of Boston and beyond. It’s quintessential in its uniqueness and it’s one of those places you “just have to go” when you come to our city for any period of time.

It’s important to remember that, unlike the ill-fated Café Budapest or the Union Oyster House which were (slash are) landmarks because of their culture and legacy, the Prudential tower’s sky-high restaurant and bar is a must do because of the view. And it’s a spectacular one. Much like New York’s now sadly gone Windows on the World, you can sit in any one of dozens of well-positioned tables and stare for miles into the streets and topography of Boston and her surroundings.

The Manhattan – that bellwether cocktail – was, like most at the Top of the Hub, poured with a fanfare that we’d expect to get for the prices they charge and the environment they try to cultivate. But like the food and service, it was mediocre at best. If their staff and menu were offered at a similar restaurant in some Orlando ‘lifestyle center’ I’d say skip it and go to Emeril’s.

But that’s the thing. Boston isn’t Orlando and we don’t have to create or import our own history, culture or theme – all we have to do is give you a window onto our world.

| Top of the Hub : B- |

Morton’s Steak House – 699 Boylston Street

When you walk into Morton’s as we did (after a genealogical excursion to the Fairmont Copley Plaza to look at the lions, which coincidentally used to adorn the block where our steakhouse destination now resides) you could easily be walking into a bomb shelter. The correct entrance is a challenge to find after two strong drinks and while the décor is relatively club-like and genteel, once you leave Boylston street behind you could blink and imagine San Jose, Dallas, or Phoenix is just outside.

That’s the down side to corporate and franchised hospitality.

The up side is that everything is clean. Everything is exact. Everything is good. The moment we slid into the relatively crowded bar the woman behind the counter made eye contact and offered us menus in a way only a dedicated lifetime purveyor of spirits and meaty goodness can. Our drinks, when ordered, were served quickly and well and with just the right amount of charming banter. And then she was gone. Had either one of us been alone and looking for company, I’m certain we would have been given just the right amount of attention and courtesy.

The clientele was an interesting and noteworthy mix of out-of-towners and the after work crowd. If I had to describe them all I’d say: Russian mobster and henchmen, artsy ad exec with team, lonely traveling sales guy, trust fund twenty something and crew, two guys using a blog as an excuse to imbibe, relax and hang out together.

Morton’s isn’t a Boston landmark like the Bunker Hill monument or the swan boats but it’s a sure thing if you’re looking for quality food, drink and service.

| Morton’s : B- |

Pour House – 907 Boylston Street

When you want to reserve your allowance for pricey cocktails at upscale destinations like Top of the Hub and Morton’s Steak House, but when you still want a solid bite and a good beer in a lively non-McDonald’s environment the self-proclaimed #1 bar in Boston, the Pour House, is an excellent choice. It’s loud and kitschy and the beer has that “our lines have never been cleaned or changed since we opened in ‘82” feel but it’s cheap-ish, energetic, fun, loud, and good for a late night pint and bite.

It’s also good on a Sunday afternoon during the soon-approaching Red Sox season too. But you’ll hear more about that soon. Lots more.

| Pour House : B |

Granted, this is a highly specialized location and ambiance. But it’s my favorite!